Con

Bullet Proof Marriages:  Achieving oneness through communication

I. The Devils favorite State: CONFUSION

Jas 3:13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.  14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.  16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder (Confusion KJV) and every evil practice.  17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (NIV)

The devil wants to convince us that the only way to get our needs met it to put ourselves first. 
Envy -  It’s not fair , I want that 
Selfish Ambition - I need my needs met first
- This will cause confusion and potential for every evil

Selfishness at Work, home, church, marriage: all will result in diorder/confusion

Especially true in marriage: Selfishness can turn good people in MONSTERS

A. In marriage the inability to communicate your needs has the potential to cause selfishness which will result in confusion

    OUT OF FRUSTRATION:
-  Nobody else is going to think about me, I guess I will have to do what is best for me.

B. The Ability to Communicate will stop the devil's bullets of confusion.
   
     - The source of conflict in any relationship is often a lack of communication.

Misundertsanding: words, actions, intentions
    
    -  Understanding why someone said or did something often eliminates problems
   
C.  Without communication the mind will often fill in the blanks, of motive and meaning.
     - The enemy will make suggestions about what you should think about someone's actions or words.

1. They are mad at you
2. They don't care about you
3. They are selfish, you have a right to be angry

II. Common Flash Points When Communication is Lacking

A.  F.P: Correction or Request
-  Are you ever going to fix…..

-  Satan will help the Husband hear:

1. I'm not happy with you
2. You've got to much free time I need to put you to work.

1. You are failing in my eyes

B.  Disagreements on decisions
- Satan will help the husband hear:

1. You don't trust me
2. You don't respect me
3. You don't think I have the ability

C. F.P:  Spending of Money
Satan will help the husband to hear

- She is trying to stifle the Braveheart freedom cry
- That is your money!

III. Ephesians 5 Love & Respect Revelation Is Spiritual Kevlar

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--  30 for we are members of his body.  31 "For this reason

What reason will a husband leave his parents?
1. To love his wife like Christ loved the church
2. To help his wife become ready to meet Christ by being a spiritual leader and example to her
3.  To treat her no different than he treats his own body

… a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  32 This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church.  33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)

- Husbands are to love their wives
- Wives are to respect their husbands

Love and Respect are Spiritual Kevlar:
- Kevlar defined: Bullet proof vests

1. Synthetic plastic
2. 5 times stronger than steel
3. Can take heat up to 800 degrees

If a wife is confident in her husband's love Satan's bullets will bounce off
 
If a husband is confident in his wife's respect for him, Satan's bullets will bounce off.
   

A. WHAT IF LOVE AND RESPECT ARE NOT HAPPENING IN YOUR MARRIAGE?   

WALK IN FAITH IN RELATION TO YOUR MARRIAGE

Faith is also like Kevlar or in ancient terms a Shield

Eph 6:11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

B. How do we apply faith to our marriages?
     - We walk by faith not by sight
     - We seek to see what might not be there yet
     - We believe for better days - hold onto that promise believing God is able to bring it to pass.

C.  We also understand that faith without works is dead.
       - We do all we can to work towards bringing it to pass, trusting God for  wisdom.
       - We don't just complain about our spouse         
       - seek God, gain information and moving forward.

IV. Love and Respect the Book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

A. Basic premise:

- A woman's greatest need is to know that she is loved.
- A man's greatest need is to know that he is respected.

- Man and women communicate in different ways.
- Often there is a lack of understanding that leads to confusion

- Women don't feel loved and are unwilling to show respect
- Mean don't feel respected and are unwilling to show love

This leads to what Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle

"I wrote this book out of desperation that turned to inspiration.  As a pastor, I counseled married couples and could not solve their problems.  The major problem I heard from wives was, "He doesn't love me." Wives are made to love, want love, and expect love.  Many husbands failed to deliver.  But as I kept studying scripture and counseling couples, I finally saw the other half of the equation.  Husbands weren’t saying it much, but they were thinking, she doesn't respect me.  Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect.  Many wives fail to deliver.  The result is that 5 out of 10 marriages land in divorce court (and that includes evangelical marriages).

As I wrestled with this problem, I finally saw a connection: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her he reacts without love.  Around and round it goes.  I call it the "Crazy Cycle" -- marital craziness that has thousands of couples in its grip."

 

V.  Communicating the Need for Love and Respect

A.  The wrong way

1. Wrong time
    - In the midst of a conflict
    - When angry
    -  In front of kids or friends

2. Wrong words
- You are… ,   (Name)
  Wong to address character rather than  Behavior
   I don't like what you did is better than I don't like you.

- You always… Nobody is all bad
- You never…    These statements take hope away

3. Wrong attitude
- I want you to suffer for what you did.  Goal is punishment
- You need to earn my forgiveness

3. Wrong response
- Oh yeah, well let me tell you why you are wrong

 B.  The right way

1. - Right words
   Did I do anything today that made you feel unloved?
 
   You made me feel unloved when you  said/did………

   Did I do anything today that made you feel disrespected?
  
You made me feel disrespected when you said/did…..

2. Right time
- Later when anger has passed
- Alone with your spouse
- Good time is each night before you go to bed

3. Right attitude
- To bring understanding and oneness
- Display love towards wife even when sharing something that made you feel disrespected

- Display respect for husband even when sharing something that made you feel unloved.

4. Right Response
- Simply listen and consider what they have said
- Take it into consideration the next day
- Pray about how to better show love and respect
-  Ask them, "how could I have shown you love or respect in that situtaion?

ONENESS: Is Not Just Physical
- As love and respect is present a wonderful, emotional, spiritual, and physical oneness will result.

Eph 5: 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder (Confusion KJV) and every evil practice.  17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. (NIV)

Employ these truths in showing love and respect to each other.

VI.  Conclusion

By faith Seek to give the love or respect that your spouse needs

- Get off the crazy cycle and seek real oneness with your spouse

If things aren't where you want them to be yet by faith pray and see your spouse by faith as they can be.